Good afternoon everyone,
I've been having a rough go lately. My moods have definitely been better, and I've got my friends to thank for that. Over the past three weeks I've had 2 panic attacks. I'm not sure of the exact cause of them, but I know that the first one stems from something that my mother told me about my father. She had nothing but good intentions with what she said, but my idiot brain took it another direction. I legitimately freaked out and didn't get much sleep over a 2 day period. I will admit that I had some not so happy thoughts, and once again was thinking about ending it all. Never fear, I'm slowly on the mend thanks to some new meds, some great friends and some sound advice from a couple of doctors.
My main problem is that I have difficulty accepting the past, and what has happened in my life. I can't change anything that has happened to me. I've just got to use that stuff to my advantage. I've been told to not dwell on the negatives and start building on the positives in my life. So that's the building block to moving on from all these things that are holding me back. I'm going to make a list of everything, and everyone, that I'm thankful for, and use that as a coping method (hopefully). Time heals all wounds, but some mine are a decade or older. I've got to get myself out of this mindset and move in the right direction.
I'm lucky to have an amazing support group. While I won't name names (just to keep some stuff off of here) I will say a gigantic thank you for the millionth time. I can never say that enough. Love is not necessarily a word, it's more of an action than anything. You guys have shown me more love than I ever thought possible, even if it's just a text or a prayer. It means the world to me that people take time out of their busy schedules to care about a 25 year old man who can't seem to help himself get out of his own mind. I keep being told how wonderful I am as a person, so I take that as a huge compliment, even if I think to myself I'm not that great. What others think of you tends to be the person you really are, in my honest opinion. I've just got to learn to accept the past. Acceptance is the last stage of the grieving process, so when I look back at all I've been through I've technically made it through the difficult stuff. I just have to learn when to let go of something, especially when there's no hope in hell of changing it.
This is of course easier said than done. Any insight is greatly appreciated. In the mean time I'm going to a psychiatrist to get some of this stuff that I've been carrying for years off of my chest. In a way this blog is a portal for me to vent. I've come so far in the past 5 months, looking back. I never would've started a blog to show people I might not even know an insight into my personal life. That in itself is a step in the right direction. I've just got to keep pushing, and while there will be setbacks on my road to recovery, I've just got to take the bad with the good and use that to make me a better person. At the end of the day if I can help one person's burden a little easier I've done some good. That is another step for me. I love helping others in any way, and it helps me to move on, in a weird way. It's worked in the past, I just need to get better at serving, and that in turn should help me be able to let go. Or at least that's what I hope will happen. It's all trial and error here, there is no one right answer. I've got to build that foundation and move on from there.
Until next time,
Hunter
One therapist I had encouraged me to write a letter to the person I was struggling with, not to send, but just to help sort out my thoughts. The therapist said I should compare my "fantasy" idea of what I thought should have been the relationship between me and this person and what I wanted them to be to me to what the relationship and person actually were. It really helped me let go of the fantasy and bring myself to a place of either being thankful for what did exist, if I could accept it, or washing my hands so to speak of the relationship. It was a very helpful exercise for me. I think written homework relayed to therapy can be very effective. We all get trapped in our heads sometimes, and that is what causes many of my anxiety and panic episodes. It may take a long time, and new issues may arise as old ones are solved. But know this: our hearts and minds don't begin to address and process issues until our innermost self feels safe enough and strong enough for us to do do. Someday you will look back on this time and be thankful for this part of the journey, maybe even understand why it happened now. Just remember you are never on the path alone. This is the road of human nature. So keep up the good work!
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