Trapped in my mind

Happy Tuesday everybody. Sorry for not posting last week. I just felt like I didn't have much to post about. It's been a much better couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it's the medicine that's leveling me out or if life has genuinely gotten better. I guess time will tell.

One thing I've noticed lately is that life can change, for better or worse, at the drop of a hat. I went from extreme depression to happy as can be this past weekend back to depressed slightly on Sunday afternoon. I'm not a psychiatrist so I've got no idea what's going on, but I find that the time I've spent alone is leading to some of my darker times lately. I'm not saying that I'm suffering from extreme depression, but I've had my low moments mixed in with the good. Hence the title of this post, and this awesome song. It may be cliche, but oh well. I like the song, and it speaks to me lately.

The highest I've been the past couple of weeks has been when I'm with friends, family or co-workers. My lowest points have been when I'm alone. I tend to over-think everything that goes on in my life. From the smallest incident to the biggest tragedy. I keep looking for hidden meanings from stuff that happened 5+ years ago. My mind is almost like a prison lately, and I get trapped in it from time to time. It's difficult to escape when you over-analyze everything. I know that I can't go back and fix anything that's happened in the past, I just have to learn from those experiences and move on, but damn if that isn't difficult sometimes.

I've been doing some reading on this subject lately, and came across this nice blog post. Now if I could just apply some of this to my life I might be able to move on. I won't lie to you, over-thinking everything has lead to so much pain and frustration over the years, and yet I keep doing it to myself. I've sought help from everyone I can think of. I've gotten some awesome advice, whether it's from strangers who post on the Internet or my close friends. I take bits and pieces of advice and apply them to my own situation.

That's another amazing thing. I was just talking about it today with the folks I work with. We've all got problems, and we may not know it at the time we're going through hard times, but having people who genuinely care about you is one of the most amazing and gratifying feelings ever. I can't remember the last time I had such an outpouring of support, help, advice and just love. That's the only word to describe it, love. Such a powerful word that can mean so much. I'm grateful to have that. Every text, call, post, comment and positive thought/prayer is taken to heart.

Times got rough, and as I mentioned previously I contemplating ending it all because I wasn't sure I could do anything else in this world. How dumb of me. I didn't want the help at the time, but the sign of a true friend is being there when the person you love is willing to admit you need help. That sense of love and caring pulled me through. Whether it was my friends Colin, Taylor or Prescott to my coworkers, family, and old friends I hadn't seen in so long. I wish I could describe what everything you guys have done for me, even if it doesn't seem like you had an impact. Believe me, I don't think I'd be here today if you all hadn't reached out to me over the past month. I've said this so much that I'm starting to wear the phrase out, I don't know what I've done to deserve such an amazing support group, but I only hope I can repay you all for the acts of love and kindness you've shown me.

I'm doing much better now, that much I do know. Now if I could get my stomach feeling better I'd be right as rain! From the bottom of my heart I am sincerely thankful for each and every one of you that has supported/loved/cared/tweeted/anything else that I haven't mentioned at me during the past 2+ months. It's amazing what awesome folks I have in my life.

Til the next post,
Hunter

Day and Night

It's amazing the difference a couple of weeks makes...

Cold, rainy, with potential ice and snow. That's the weather in Memphis today. In a funny/weird way that would've described my outlook a couple of weeks ago. I was down, and I mean almost at the end of my rope down. I've been down before, but this was way outside of anything I've ever experienced. Normally I just pull myself back up and go on living life, trying to be the best person I can be. This is the first time I've actually reached out to friends, family and professionals for help. I think I'm on the mend for a couple of different reasons, so that's a good sign, or at least I think it is.

I went to a primary care physician this week to see about trying some medication to fight this anxiety and depression, since it became obvious that my old tricks weren't working. It's very difficult for me to explain to anyone what's been going on in my head. However this doctor actually made me feel pretty comfortable, so I had no issue explaining what I thought was going on. The most difficult part of talking about my mental state was mentioning that I've had suicidal thoughts lately. Again, I don't know why I'm having them, I've got everything to live for. Nevertheless I have found myself recently wondering what kind of impact I'd have on the world if I ended it all.

After talking to him for about 15 minutes and filling out a psychological questionnaire he recommended starting out on a mild antidepressant called Lexapro. I'm almost a week into the medication, so I know it hasn't started having a significant effect yet, but I'm hopeful that this will help me out tremendously. If all goes according to plan with this medication I'll be on it for the foreseeable future. I'm going back in a couple of weeks to see if any progress has been made. If he feels significant progress hasn't been made then it's on to another medication and possible counseling. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but I know this is a long process and change doesn't happen instantly.

The other reason for my elevated mood lately is one that I know has already had a visible effect on me. I mentioned it a little last week. I've got an amazing support group of friends and family, whether it's the people I currently work with, people I used to work with, family or old friends that I've recently reconnected with. I have a tendency to go into my shell when I get like I am, however I've been trying to go out after work to visit friends at least twice a week. This week was no exception. My weekend was busy, and if nothing else that helps keep my mind off things. That's extremely helpful, and for anyone who has helped me get out of my shell I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

I also want to take the time to thank everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to call, text or just reached out to me. I sincerely thank you all, and I realize now that I'd be lost without y'all. It's a tough time, but I was wrong to think I had to go through this alone. If you're reading this than you're likely one of those people, and I consider you one of my good friends. From the bottom of my heart, you'll never know how much your kind words have meant to me. In a way you guys have saved me from my own personal Hell that I've been in. Thanks again, and hopefully these posts will give someone going through something similar hope one day.

Thanks for reading along, and helping me during my rough spells. I'll do my best to try and post regularly.

-Hunter