Day and Night

It's amazing the difference a couple of weeks makes...

Cold, rainy, with potential ice and snow. That's the weather in Memphis today. In a funny/weird way that would've described my outlook a couple of weeks ago. I was down, and I mean almost at the end of my rope down. I've been down before, but this was way outside of anything I've ever experienced. Normally I just pull myself back up and go on living life, trying to be the best person I can be. This is the first time I've actually reached out to friends, family and professionals for help. I think I'm on the mend for a couple of different reasons, so that's a good sign, or at least I think it is.

I went to a primary care physician this week to see about trying some medication to fight this anxiety and depression, since it became obvious that my old tricks weren't working. It's very difficult for me to explain to anyone what's been going on in my head. However this doctor actually made me feel pretty comfortable, so I had no issue explaining what I thought was going on. The most difficult part of talking about my mental state was mentioning that I've had suicidal thoughts lately. Again, I don't know why I'm having them, I've got everything to live for. Nevertheless I have found myself recently wondering what kind of impact I'd have on the world if I ended it all.

After talking to him for about 15 minutes and filling out a psychological questionnaire he recommended starting out on a mild antidepressant called Lexapro. I'm almost a week into the medication, so I know it hasn't started having a significant effect yet, but I'm hopeful that this will help me out tremendously. If all goes according to plan with this medication I'll be on it for the foreseeable future. I'm going back in a couple of weeks to see if any progress has been made. If he feels significant progress hasn't been made then it's on to another medication and possible counseling. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but I know this is a long process and change doesn't happen instantly.

The other reason for my elevated mood lately is one that I know has already had a visible effect on me. I mentioned it a little last week. I've got an amazing support group of friends and family, whether it's the people I currently work with, people I used to work with, family or old friends that I've recently reconnected with. I have a tendency to go into my shell when I get like I am, however I've been trying to go out after work to visit friends at least twice a week. This week was no exception. My weekend was busy, and if nothing else that helps keep my mind off things. That's extremely helpful, and for anyone who has helped me get out of my shell I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

I also want to take the time to thank everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to call, text or just reached out to me. I sincerely thank you all, and I realize now that I'd be lost without y'all. It's a tough time, but I was wrong to think I had to go through this alone. If you're reading this than you're likely one of those people, and I consider you one of my good friends. From the bottom of my heart, you'll never know how much your kind words have meant to me. In a way you guys have saved me from my own personal Hell that I've been in. Thanks again, and hopefully these posts will give someone going through something similar hope one day.

Thanks for reading along, and helping me during my rough spells. I'll do my best to try and post regularly.

-Hunter