13.1

Good afternoon everyone! Sorry for not posting anything for almost 2 months. I've been crazy busy with work, and that's occupied most of my time. Things are going well with me. I've just been trying to make it out here in the real world. It's tough sometimes, but I love a challenge. I'm trying to take everything in stride and grow as a person every day.

With that being said, I think I've decided to take on a major challenge, and it'll likely be the most difficult thing I've attempted in my life. I was recently talking to a good friend on the phone and he mentioned he was running in a half marathon in March. Of course me being the crazy person I am decided it would be a good idea to try and run the half marathon too.

I'm not exactly sure if I'll successfully run 13.1 miles, but I've got about 4 months to get into shape. That should be enough time to get in some kind of running shape. I'm taking it upon myself to train 5-6 days a week. I'm no running expert, so I've got some research to do before I get too far into training. I don't have any delusions about this, I just think it's a great way to help with getting in shape and staying on track with my weight loss goals. Killing quite a few birds with one stone with this crazy plan.

We'll see how it goes. I'll try to update on my progress regularly on here. If anyone has any tips feel free to share. Who knows, maybe I'll find a new hobby in the process of training for this half marathon. Have a good one y'all, and goodbye until next time.

-Hunter

Grinding

Good afternoon everyone! Hope your weekend has been pleasant in this lovely weather. I'm going to try and get back into the swing of posting on this blog normally, now that I've got both hands almost back to 100%.  That being said, we'll see how diligent I am at keeping up with that schedule, ha.

The reason I'm writing this post is a little different than my previous posts. I've been giving a lot of time and effort to my work recently, and it seems like a never ending storm that never gets any better. You won't hear me complaining too much outside of work about my job, it pays the bills and my coworkers are flipping amazing. I give my all day in and day out, since that's the only way I know. Anyway, after putting in 60 hours and working yesterday I felt like I was burning myself out. I woke up today with a new outlook however.

I'm 26 years old, and nothing is given to people my age. We've got to work our, pardon my language, asses off to make it in this world. This week was nothing but a test of my mettle, and I'd like to think passed that test, but I can't judge that myself. I work my tail off to make a name for myself, and I'm blessed to be surrounded by people in my department who are in it for the same reasons. No matter what my job throws at us, which is my coworkers and myself, we're going to work to overcome the adversity. Mainly because we're all too damn hardheaded and stubborn to know another way to work.

We look after each other day in and day out to make sure the work gets done. There is no "down time" in my job. If there is then something isn't right. That being said, I don't know if I'd still be here if it wasn't for their constant encouragement and kind words. They've been like a second family to me, and I'll never be able to pay them back for everything that they've done for me.

I'll keep on keeping on, and put my nose to the grindstone. Working my tail off is something I've always tried to do, and I will never stop. I'm too stubborn to know anything better. I'm just hoping this commitment carries over to this weight loss thing I'm trying. Who knows what the future holds, but I'll greet it with welcome arms and take the challenges as they come.

Til next time,
Hunter

Lately...

Good evening everyone. I know it's been a while since I've posted. Had a broken hand since July and have been saving my typing for work. I'm expected to get the all clear this week so I figured I'd go ahead and post again. I've been doing better, I guess. The depression comes and goes, but it's less frequent and severe, so that's a good thing. I've just been trying to keep a more positive outlook on life recently. It's too precious and special to just let it slip away.

I guess I've come to learn that from my therapy sessions and just taking time to think about life in general. I've got a lot of folks to thank for turning me around, and I won't name names, but if you've reached out to me through this time then you're one of them! Progress is progress, and while I may doubt myself some days (less nowadays than a few months ago), I know that I've got people who depend on me. Whether it's my family or friends, I know that they're there to help me, just as I try to help them when I'm needed. Writing that out, it sounds so simple, but I know it isn't. It's taken me a while to realize that while I keep on giving to help others out, people have also been helping me through this tough time. I can't say thanks enough, because it did get pretty dark there for a while. I'll be the first to admit that.

In therapy we've been talking about ways to deal with stress and anxiety. One way for males to vent is to "get physical." Whether it's working out or just walking around for a little while in the middle of a stressful situation. I was beginning to work out and be more active when I broke my hand playing soccer (yes you read that correctly). Long story short I got kicked on both sides of the hand at the same time and fractured the fifth metacarpal in my right hand. Was in a hard cast for 3 weeks, removable cast for 6, and I should get the all clear to begin strenuous physical activity again on Thursday.

That being said I think it's time to share something that I haven't really told anyone. I've lost about 40 pounds this year, which has put me around 240 pounds. My goal by the end of next year is to be down around 180. It's going to be tough, but I think if I give it my all I can do it. I've got to start eating better or my body might turn on me. Now if I could just find me a girlfriend I think I'd be right as rain, ha! That's a story for another day my friends. Anyway, hope everyone that reads this has been well. Til next time.

Hunter

Times they are a changing....

Good evening everyone, hope all is well with you. I've been having a rough week, the only bright spots being birthday celebrations. Between insurance changing at work and doubling in cost, working a little too much and my complete ineptitude when it comes to women, it's been a hell of a week. That being said, I can't look back on that, I've just got to take the experiences I've had this week, apply the good and get the bad out. All of this stress I've been feeling is trying to take over, but through my therapy I'm slowly learning to deal with it in a healthy way, or at least we hope it continues that way!
Speaking of therapy, something we talked about last week really hit home. We were speaking about the goals I had for therapy, and how we were going to work to achieve them. For whatever reason the doctor stopped in mid explanation to tell me an observation he had about me in our short time together. He said, "Hunter I think I can piece something together about you just from the conversations that we've had. When people love you, you like yourself alright, but when people hate you you feel like the worst person on the Earth." He hit the nail on the head. I don't know why I'm that way, but I can't help it. I always over analyze every little thing that happens, from a two second conversation to a 30 minute phone call. My mind is wired to, what I like to call, "hyper-analyze" every thing. It's a blessing and a curse at the same damn time, unfortunately.
Who knows when I'll finally be over that, but I'm trying to get better. Everyone has told me that they can tell a difference, so that's a start. Luckily my support group is still really strong, from my coworkers(who are a second family to me!) and friends, to my family, I know that I've always got people who are pushing me to get better, and who genuinely care. That's something that is, and always will be gratifying to see. I like to think I'm a good friend most of the time, but man some of my friends are making me realize there is so much more that I can do!
I felt like I needed to say that, just in case there are people out there who don't realize how much they really mean to me. I honestly feel that I wouldn't be here without your support. I came close to ending it all about 3 months ago, but I was helped through that tough time by everyone I call my friend/family. My thanks will never be enough to repay that, and I mean that with my entire being.
At the end of the day I'm just a (somewhat) normal dude who may care to much about what people think, but that's gotten me this far in life. I truly can see the therapy working, and it's always good when you're therapist says he'll work with you even though he doesn't take your new insurance. We've still got a lot of work to do, and the journey will get harder before the end, but I'm committed to trying to see this out and come out better for it. I'm always up for a challenge, and this may be the hardest one in my life. Who says I can't rise above it and come out on top in the end.

Until next time,
Hunter

Finding yourself

Good evening everyone. Sorry for the delay in posts. I've been doing a lot of stuff on my own to try and help me through this. I went to see a counselor about a month ago. Her advice on trying to get over my father's death, and some of the other things that I think hold me back, was to read a book and watch Oprah... I'm not even kidding. Someone who has a doctorate couldn't give me any better advice than that. Anyway, I guess I should be happy, because she also recommended going to see a clinical psychologist. Needless to say I felt like I needed someone to talk to regarding the stuff that was going on through my head who was a professional. Don't get me wrong, I've reached out to a lot of my friends and family regarding this, and their advice has been amazing. More than that, the show of support has been so gratifying that I'm beginning to wonder what I've done to deserve everyone who has helped. But I digress, through a couple of phone calls and communication with different psychologists I found Dr. William Mealer.
I must say that in my short time seeing him I do feel a certain degree better. I don't know if it's because life has been genuinely better lately, or if my whole outlook is changing. That's one of the big things we've been talking about in our sessions, your perceptions of everyday life. It all depends on how you take what happens to you. I've tended to look at the dark side of everything lately. While I'm not sure what initially brought this on, I can tell you that it hasn't been a pleasant time dealing with that. I've tried to live my life looking at the positives, I mean I've got nothing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. I've fallen off that path in the past 7ish months. We're working to get me back where I need to be, but like I've come to learn, this kind of stuff takes time. There isn't a magic button to push that makes it all better. Through a lot of talking and applying the lessons I'm being taught in therapy we hope to be able to deal with these negative feelings in a constructive manner, instead of the destructive way I've been dealing lately.
I'm currently working on setting out a treatment plan, but I think we're almost done there. From here on out it's learning how to deal and become a more self confident person. That's a major issue of mine, and one of the focal points of this therapy. Who knows, but for now I'm confident of what direction we're moving in. As a matter of fact I'm supposed to turn in some goals for therapy tomorrow. They're listed below, just in case anyone wants to get a glimpse inside my mind right now...

• Physical goals: lose another 40+ pounds to get below 200 pounds for the first time in 8 years, start playing soccer more often, start trail riding, continue dieting and attempting to eat better
• Emotional goals: learn to deal with the day to day stress in a healthy way, continue thinking positive thoughts and try to get more confident, try not to lose my cool when I’m flustered, try to be a better person than I am right now
• Intellectual goals: continue to read for pleasure, keep writing (blogging, journaling, etc), learn German or Spanish, try to keep my mind active and off of the negatives in life
• Social goals: continue hanging out with my good friends, make new friends whenever possible, branch out of my comfort zone more often, try and find a girlfriend, stay in touch with everyone that I care about

Not sure I would've posted those a year ago, but time changes everything. Anywho, I'll do my best to post more regularly. Hopefully everything continues to improve, it's just going to take some time and hard work. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Hunter

The past is the past...

Good afternoon everyone,

I've been having a rough go lately. My moods have definitely been better, and I've got my friends to thank for that. Over the past three weeks I've had 2 panic attacks. I'm not sure of the exact cause of them, but I know that the first one stems from something that my mother told me about my father. She had nothing but good intentions with what she said, but my idiot brain took it another direction. I legitimately freaked out and didn't get much sleep over a 2 day period. I will admit that I had some not so happy thoughts, and once again was thinking about ending it all. Never fear, I'm slowly on the mend thanks to some new meds, some great friends and some sound advice from a couple of doctors.

My main problem is that I have difficulty accepting the past, and what has happened in my life. I can't change anything that has happened to me. I've just got to use that stuff to my advantage. I've been told to not dwell on the negatives and start building on the positives in my life. So that's the building block to moving on from all these things that are holding me back. I'm going to make a list of everything, and everyone, that I'm thankful for, and use that as a coping method (hopefully). Time heals all wounds, but some mine are a decade or older. I've got to get myself out of this mindset and move in the right direction.

I'm lucky to have an amazing support group. While I won't name names (just to keep some stuff off of here) I will say a gigantic thank you for the millionth time. I can never say that enough. Love is not necessarily a word, it's more of an action than anything. You guys have shown me more love than I ever thought possible, even if it's just a text or a prayer. It means the world to me that people take time out of their busy schedules to care about a 25 year old man who can't seem to help himself get out of his own mind. I keep being told how wonderful I am as a person, so I take that as a huge compliment, even if I think to myself I'm not that great. What others think of you tends to be the person you really are, in my honest opinion. I've just got to learn to accept the past. Acceptance is the last stage of the grieving process, so when I look back at all I've been through I've technically made it through the difficult stuff. I just have to learn when to let go of something, especially when there's no hope in hell of changing it.

This is of course easier said than done. Any insight is greatly appreciated. In the mean time I'm going to a psychiatrist to get some of this stuff that I've been carrying for years off of my chest. In a way this blog is a portal for me to vent. I've come so far in the past 5 months, looking back. I never would've started a blog to show people I might not even know an insight into my personal life. That in itself is a step in the right direction. I've just got to keep pushing, and while there will be setbacks on my road to recovery, I've just got to take the bad with the good and use that to make me a better person. At the end of the day if I can help one person's burden a little easier I've done some good. That is another step for me. I love helping others in any way, and it helps me to move on, in a weird way. It's worked in the past, I just need to get better at serving, and that in turn should help me be able to let go. Or at least that's what I hope will happen. It's all trial and error here, there is no one right answer. I've got to build that foundation and move on from there.

Until next time,
Hunter

ALIVE

Good evening everyone, and happy Easter! I hope everyone got to spend some good quality time with family today. I figured I was overdue for a blog post, so here we are again! I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm not exactly sure what's causing it, but my mood sure is swinging. Who knows what will finally get my head right, but I know it's going to take a lot of work on my end to get things straight. This blog is one of the things that has helped me vent and get some things off of my chest. It's so relieving to get some of my thoughts out and see what others have to say about it.

For a while I've been wondering if I'm deserving of this life that I have. I've been down on myself more than normal lately thinking about that. I guess the reason I'm so hard on myself is because I need to be the best man that I can be, and I've been failing miserably at this lately. I've got an amazing life, a good job, a loving family, great friends and my health is alright. My Instagram page is a collection of the good times that I do have, but I keep feeling like I'm missing out on something. It's very selfish of me to want more than I have, but that's how I feel right now. Time will tell what I'm truly missing, but until then I've got to keep searching!

I have a tendency to pour some of myself into the lives of people I truly care about. I try to get to know them and their families/friends on a deeper level than normal folks, or at least that's what I'd like to think. It brings me joy to care about someone besides myself. I genuinely care about all of my friends and family, and I'd do anything for a good bit of them. Does that make me weird, probably. Do I care how people view me for thinking this way, no. It's a way that I try to show that I care about my friends and family. I try to help out where I can in anyone's life that will let me, but I've never truly had that feeling returned to me until about a 6-7 weeks ago.

I've gone through life helping out everyone as I could and never expecting anything in return. Then out of the blue people began reaching out to me about the issues I've been going through. There is nothing more humbling to see that happen. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve any of the good things that have happened to me recently, but I'm trying to do what I can to repay that debt.One by one I'm hoping to pay back the immense show of support I was given, and I hope that I never stop giving. I really do...

Of course it would probably help if I could pour myself into another person's life that was meant to be the one. I'm still on that hunt, and who knows how long I'll be doing that. I hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but for now I'll just wait patiently. I've sought a lot of advice on this subject, and almost everyone has told me to just be patient. I actually went on a date last week, and I thought it went well, but as it turns out it probably wasn't meant to be. Another one of life's tests, and I'm not sure if I passed or failed. That's another blog post altogether, ha!

Regardless I'm certainly finding out who my friends are through this whole ordeal of depression/stomach pains that has been going on since October. It's amazing what putting yourself out there to the ones who love you can do. Don't be afraid to ask questions, especially to those you really trust. You never know, you could find the answer you've been looking for all along. I just want to say that if anyone who reads this blog ever needs anything from me, just let me know. I may not be able to help 100%, but I'll give it my best effort!

Until next time,
Hunter


P.S., at the advice of my good friend Jenna, I think I'm going to start writing a "parallel" blog to this one. I do love a good craft beer, and hearing her mention this has hatched an idea in my head. I think I'm going to start writing a blog about craft beer in the near future to go with this one. Let me know what you think of that idea!

Simple as....

Hello everyone! Long delay between posts this time, and for that I apologize. I've had a lot going on, and haven't really been feeling like myself lately. I went to the doctor two weeks ago due to some side effects of some medicine I'm on. We've switched it up, but I'm still feeling like a shell of my former self. I'm working on that with the help of some good folks that I have the pleasure of calling friends. Like I've said before, and keep hearing from everyone, this is is a process and it won't get fixed overnight. There are some things I need to work out on my own, but that's a post for another day. For now I want to dedicate this blog post to my awesome friends, family and everyone else who has reached out to me recently.

I feel like I keep saying the same stuff over and over, but it's true. I guess my friends and family mean that much to me. Everyone that has reached out to me recently via the phone, Facebook, Twitter, email, etc has been amazing. I've gone through my whole life trying to be the best possible person I can be, and I've failed at that miserably. I might be hard on myself most of the time, but I know that I could have done so much better with everything I've done up until now. I'm not saying that I regret anything, but I know I can be a much better friend, brother, son and all that other stuff I am.

I was raised to put others before myself and treat them the best way that I know how to. While I have tried to be as selfless as possible I know that I don't always put others before myself. I say this because the sermon at church this morning was talking about selflessness. It made me realize that while I might put others before myself most of the time I am selfish too. I need to work on this to become a better person in general.

I've gone through life helping people as much as I can and never expecting anything in return to those I help. That's the definition of a true friend, in my opinion. I try so much to help out whoever I can whenever I can, but I know that I am capable of so much more. I say all this because I've recently been experiencing this sensation I've been trying to help give out to everyone most of my life. I've had so many people reach out and offer support just by saying, "You know I'm here for you if you ever need me." That is one of the most selfless things anyone can say. I've reached out to a lot of people over the past few months and the responses I've gotten back have been uplifting, to say the least.

In all sincerity, I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without this amazing outpouring of support in what seems like the darkest times of my life. This whole blogging thing was recommended to me by a few friends. It's become almost like a journal for me to get what's in my head out, for the world to see and read. I'm seriously amazed. It's as simple as just opening up and letting people who love you in to help. It's a shame that it's taken me almost 26 years to realize that. I've grown so much through this dark time, and I can take none of the credit. Friends are an awesome thing to have, and even through my hectic mood swings I know they'll be there for me, through it all. I've got an amazing support group, and I can only hope to return the plethora of support I've received through this whole ordeal.

It's getting better, and some days are better than others, but I've always been a firm believer in this saying: "You've got to have the bad days to truly appreciate the good." With all that being said the bad days are getting easier to bear because of my support group. The good are just that, good if not great. One day I'll be back to my normal self, but until then I'll just keep pushing forward and trying to be the best possible person I can be, while being a selfless friend who puts others in front of them. I hope everyone has a good week, and until next time;

Peace,
Hunter

Trapped in my mind

Happy Tuesday everybody. Sorry for not posting last week. I just felt like I didn't have much to post about. It's been a much better couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it's the medicine that's leveling me out or if life has genuinely gotten better. I guess time will tell.

One thing I've noticed lately is that life can change, for better or worse, at the drop of a hat. I went from extreme depression to happy as can be this past weekend back to depressed slightly on Sunday afternoon. I'm not a psychiatrist so I've got no idea what's going on, but I find that the time I've spent alone is leading to some of my darker times lately. I'm not saying that I'm suffering from extreme depression, but I've had my low moments mixed in with the good. Hence the title of this post, and this awesome song. It may be cliche, but oh well. I like the song, and it speaks to me lately.

The highest I've been the past couple of weeks has been when I'm with friends, family or co-workers. My lowest points have been when I'm alone. I tend to over-think everything that goes on in my life. From the smallest incident to the biggest tragedy. I keep looking for hidden meanings from stuff that happened 5+ years ago. My mind is almost like a prison lately, and I get trapped in it from time to time. It's difficult to escape when you over-analyze everything. I know that I can't go back and fix anything that's happened in the past, I just have to learn from those experiences and move on, but damn if that isn't difficult sometimes.

I've been doing some reading on this subject lately, and came across this nice blog post. Now if I could just apply some of this to my life I might be able to move on. I won't lie to you, over-thinking everything has lead to so much pain and frustration over the years, and yet I keep doing it to myself. I've sought help from everyone I can think of. I've gotten some awesome advice, whether it's from strangers who post on the Internet or my close friends. I take bits and pieces of advice and apply them to my own situation.

That's another amazing thing. I was just talking about it today with the folks I work with. We've all got problems, and we may not know it at the time we're going through hard times, but having people who genuinely care about you is one of the most amazing and gratifying feelings ever. I can't remember the last time I had such an outpouring of support, help, advice and just love. That's the only word to describe it, love. Such a powerful word that can mean so much. I'm grateful to have that. Every text, call, post, comment and positive thought/prayer is taken to heart.

Times got rough, and as I mentioned previously I contemplating ending it all because I wasn't sure I could do anything else in this world. How dumb of me. I didn't want the help at the time, but the sign of a true friend is being there when the person you love is willing to admit you need help. That sense of love and caring pulled me through. Whether it was my friends Colin, Taylor or Prescott to my coworkers, family, and old friends I hadn't seen in so long. I wish I could describe what everything you guys have done for me, even if it doesn't seem like you had an impact. Believe me, I don't think I'd be here today if you all hadn't reached out to me over the past month. I've said this so much that I'm starting to wear the phrase out, I don't know what I've done to deserve such an amazing support group, but I only hope I can repay you all for the acts of love and kindness you've shown me.

I'm doing much better now, that much I do know. Now if I could get my stomach feeling better I'd be right as rain! From the bottom of my heart I am sincerely thankful for each and every one of you that has supported/loved/cared/tweeted/anything else that I haven't mentioned at me during the past 2+ months. It's amazing what awesome folks I have in my life.

Til the next post,
Hunter

Day and Night

It's amazing the difference a couple of weeks makes...

Cold, rainy, with potential ice and snow. That's the weather in Memphis today. In a funny/weird way that would've described my outlook a couple of weeks ago. I was down, and I mean almost at the end of my rope down. I've been down before, but this was way outside of anything I've ever experienced. Normally I just pull myself back up and go on living life, trying to be the best person I can be. This is the first time I've actually reached out to friends, family and professionals for help. I think I'm on the mend for a couple of different reasons, so that's a good sign, or at least I think it is.

I went to a primary care physician this week to see about trying some medication to fight this anxiety and depression, since it became obvious that my old tricks weren't working. It's very difficult for me to explain to anyone what's been going on in my head. However this doctor actually made me feel pretty comfortable, so I had no issue explaining what I thought was going on. The most difficult part of talking about my mental state was mentioning that I've had suicidal thoughts lately. Again, I don't know why I'm having them, I've got everything to live for. Nevertheless I have found myself recently wondering what kind of impact I'd have on the world if I ended it all.

After talking to him for about 15 minutes and filling out a psychological questionnaire he recommended starting out on a mild antidepressant called Lexapro. I'm almost a week into the medication, so I know it hasn't started having a significant effect yet, but I'm hopeful that this will help me out tremendously. If all goes according to plan with this medication I'll be on it for the foreseeable future. I'm going back in a couple of weeks to see if any progress has been made. If he feels significant progress hasn't been made then it's on to another medication and possible counseling. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but I know this is a long process and change doesn't happen instantly.

The other reason for my elevated mood lately is one that I know has already had a visible effect on me. I mentioned it a little last week. I've got an amazing support group of friends and family, whether it's the people I currently work with, people I used to work with, family or old friends that I've recently reconnected with. I have a tendency to go into my shell when I get like I am, however I've been trying to go out after work to visit friends at least twice a week. This week was no exception. My weekend was busy, and if nothing else that helps keep my mind off things. That's extremely helpful, and for anyone who has helped me get out of my shell I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

I also want to take the time to thank everyone that has taken time out of their busy lives to call, text or just reached out to me. I sincerely thank you all, and I realize now that I'd be lost without y'all. It's a tough time, but I was wrong to think I had to go through this alone. If you're reading this than you're likely one of those people, and I consider you one of my good friends. From the bottom of my heart, you'll never know how much your kind words have meant to me. In a way you guys have saved me from my own personal Hell that I've been in. Thanks again, and hopefully these posts will give someone going through something similar hope one day.

Thanks for reading along, and helping me during my rough spells. I'll do my best to try and post regularly.

-Hunter

The Pursuit of Happiness

Building on last week's post...

Good afternoon everyone! It's another beautiful day in Memphis. I'm going to do what I can to post a blog every 7-10 days, as long as people find what I have to say interesting. Hopefully they'll continue to get better as I start writing a little more. To myself, I'm still a little rusty. I haven't written for enjoyment in years, so excuse the rust for the time being. This blog, like me, is a work in progress. It's going to take some time to get it, and myself, where I want to be!

Anyway, on to the topic at hand. I wrote my first ever blog post last week on a subject I feel very strongly about. Bullying is a terrible thing, and there's no real way to end it. You just have to try and work around it, and vent to someone. I wasn't able to do that because my mother was working 3 jobs, and my father didn't care about that kind of thing. It's dumb to think that, but getting this stuff off my chest over the last couple of weeks has done me a world of good. Right now it's difficult to live with myself due to my past, and I'm taking steps in the right direction to fixing that. I'm trying to be more positive about things, and I've admitted that I have a problem. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow about that problem, so hopefully I can move on from this and get on with trying to live my life the way I want to live it.

I've been living my life lately trapped under what my tormenters did to me. Recently I've been slowly chipping away at that bubble I've been trapped under. I've started writing, both on here and in a journal. Some of my awesome coworkers recommended that, and I must say that it is helping me out more than I thought! Talking about my issues to friends has been another way to get this off my chest. I've been doing some "soul searching" the last few days. It's difficult to do that, but again other people's advice is proving to be spot on. I don't know why I doubt the advice I receive from friends and family, they're just trying to help me out in any way they can.

I've been more active this week. I picked up the idea from another blog I read last weekend about dealing with depression. Keeping my mind, and body, active is definitely going to help in the long run. I ran a little, biked a lot and hung out with friends. Oh yeah, the Grizzlies won against the Clippers and I got to go to that game. So that's also awesome. I'm going to continue to keep moving forward with this kind of stuff. It definitely helps me to keep my mind off of the things that are troubling.

One last thing I want to say before I end this week's post. I want to give a sincere thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my first post. It's an awesome feeling to know that friends and family have your back, no matter what. From the texts and posts, to the conversations I've had with family and friends, this week has been a reminder that I'm not alone in this. As a matter of fact the most amazing thing I've found in my short time on this earth is that the people in your life who have invested time in you will always be there. I've seen that in my family, close friends, old fraternity buddies, old coworkers and current coworkers. As bad as I might have had it in high school, I'm blessed to have so many uplifting people around me at this point in my life. Whether I talk to them everyday or not, it's pretty cool to know that I can reach out and find comfort in them.

I guess you have to look at life that way. There will always be people that will be out to hurt you and bring you down, but then there are your true friends and family who are there to bring you right back up. That's an extremely comforting thought. At the end of the day I know I have them to fall back on if times ever get really tough. I also always have hope. Hope is a wonderful thing to have, so don't ever lose that, because once you lose hope everything really comes crashing down. I think that's all for this week. Hopefully I come through this rough patch really soon!

From my computer desk,
Hunter

I've got 99 problems....

First blog post ever of all time ever...

  Happy Sunday to all of my fellow humans. It's an awesome day in Memphis, TN. We've been experiencing some awfully cold weather lately, but today seems to be a break from that! I've already run a mile this morning, which is more than I've run in the past year, so there's that. If you can't tell by the title this is my first ever blog post. I'm not 100% sure what this blog will cover, but I do like to talk about lots of things. These hobbies/interests/general things I like include, but are not limited to; music, craft beer, sports, T.V. shows and my life in general. No particular rhyme or reason to the madness, just talking about what I want to talk about ever so often.

If you don't really know me let me go ahead and fill you in. I'm a 25 year old graduate of the University of Memphis. I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Geography. I still have no idea what I want to do with it, but I've always had a fascination with meteorology. I currently work for AS Hospitality in Memphis, TN as a Project Management Specialist, aka a glorified Customer Service Representative. It's what I know how to do best, since before my current job I worked in a call center for 5 years to help myself through school. Great times were had at that call center, that's for sure. AS Hospitality is my first big boy job, and I've learned a lot about myself in the 15 months I've been there. I work with a dedicated and amazing group of folks who genuinely care about me. It's like having a family away from home!

I guess the main reason for me starting this blog is to vent a little. I've been battling depression off and on for 3 months, and I've always had massive anxiety problems. Listen folks this all stems from my time in high school. I'm not the person to stand up for myself, so I was almost instantly picked out as a person to bully. I mean it was bad for a while. Kids can be real douches to each other. Some of my so-called "friends" were the worst ones. Looking back over the past 10 years it all makes sense, in a really weird way. I was bullied, which leads to little or no self confidence. I've missed out on so much because some a-holes thought it would be funny to push the chubby kid around just to see if they could get a rise out of me. I never once lashed out violently, or at all really.

I kept all of the pain inside. That's how I dealt with it then, and that's how I deal with it some of the time now. Luckily I've found some creative ways to vent some of the pain and frustration. Riding bikes has become a hobby of mine, and that's a good way to vent. However looking back I knew back then that all of this would come to a head one day. It hasn't happened yet, but it could. I've been reading about bullying online, and this article from Cracked.com is really amazing. If you've ever been bullied get help. Whether it's your parents, a guidance counselor, friend or someone online (another reason for starting a blog!) there are people who can help. Don't let it build a barrier around who you really are, trust me that's what it's done to me.

My barrier is still there and I've been out of high school for almost 8 years now. I still find it difficult to get close with people, and it's prevented me from developing relationships. I won't get into specifics, but I've had a trying time with women in my life since I left high school. It's hard to admit that, but that's the first step in trying to recover from my depression. Admitting that I have a problem and need help was tough, but it was a relief. I've got a doctor's appointment in a week about this very thing. If, and I mean if, medicine is an option to fix this I'll try it, however much I don't want to. (I'm a firm believer in any medicine for depression will make me a shell of my former self.)

I'm trying to fix some of the mistakes I've made in the past, but it's a slow process. I've vented to a few friends regarding this, and I've gotten some great advice. The best I've heard came from one of my closest friends, Colin. He said, "You've gotta be willing to take the first step and fix this. It's a process and doesn't happen instantly, but you know I've got your back." Simple, but it's true. I'm trying to better myself, and that first step is to get healthy again. Once they find out about this pain in my side will also be a HUGE relief. CT scans, ultrasounds and an endoscopy are not fun at all. I plan on joining a gym in the next month or so. In short I've got a problem, but I have to be the one to admit it, and start taking steps in the right direction. I won't be going at it alone. I have a wonderful set of friends who are there if I need them. From the ladies I work with to old friends from back home, I'm fortunate to have this kind of support. Don't be afraid to admit you have a problem, it could be the catalyst on your road to recovery.

From my computer desk,
Hunter