Times they are a changing....

Good evening everyone, hope all is well with you. I've been having a rough week, the only bright spots being birthday celebrations. Between insurance changing at work and doubling in cost, working a little too much and my complete ineptitude when it comes to women, it's been a hell of a week. That being said, I can't look back on that, I've just got to take the experiences I've had this week, apply the good and get the bad out. All of this stress I've been feeling is trying to take over, but through my therapy I'm slowly learning to deal with it in a healthy way, or at least we hope it continues that way!
Speaking of therapy, something we talked about last week really hit home. We were speaking about the goals I had for therapy, and how we were going to work to achieve them. For whatever reason the doctor stopped in mid explanation to tell me an observation he had about me in our short time together. He said, "Hunter I think I can piece something together about you just from the conversations that we've had. When people love you, you like yourself alright, but when people hate you you feel like the worst person on the Earth." He hit the nail on the head. I don't know why I'm that way, but I can't help it. I always over analyze every little thing that happens, from a two second conversation to a 30 minute phone call. My mind is wired to, what I like to call, "hyper-analyze" every thing. It's a blessing and a curse at the same damn time, unfortunately.
Who knows when I'll finally be over that, but I'm trying to get better. Everyone has told me that they can tell a difference, so that's a start. Luckily my support group is still really strong, from my coworkers(who are a second family to me!) and friends, to my family, I know that I've always got people who are pushing me to get better, and who genuinely care. That's something that is, and always will be gratifying to see. I like to think I'm a good friend most of the time, but man some of my friends are making me realize there is so much more that I can do!
I felt like I needed to say that, just in case there are people out there who don't realize how much they really mean to me. I honestly feel that I wouldn't be here without your support. I came close to ending it all about 3 months ago, but I was helped through that tough time by everyone I call my friend/family. My thanks will never be enough to repay that, and I mean that with my entire being.
At the end of the day I'm just a (somewhat) normal dude who may care to much about what people think, but that's gotten me this far in life. I truly can see the therapy working, and it's always good when you're therapist says he'll work with you even though he doesn't take your new insurance. We've still got a lot of work to do, and the journey will get harder before the end, but I'm committed to trying to see this out and come out better for it. I'm always up for a challenge, and this may be the hardest one in my life. Who says I can't rise above it and come out on top in the end.

Until next time,
Hunter

Finding yourself

Good evening everyone. Sorry for the delay in posts. I've been doing a lot of stuff on my own to try and help me through this. I went to see a counselor about a month ago. Her advice on trying to get over my father's death, and some of the other things that I think hold me back, was to read a book and watch Oprah... I'm not even kidding. Someone who has a doctorate couldn't give me any better advice than that. Anyway, I guess I should be happy, because she also recommended going to see a clinical psychologist. Needless to say I felt like I needed someone to talk to regarding the stuff that was going on through my head who was a professional. Don't get me wrong, I've reached out to a lot of my friends and family regarding this, and their advice has been amazing. More than that, the show of support has been so gratifying that I'm beginning to wonder what I've done to deserve everyone who has helped. But I digress, through a couple of phone calls and communication with different psychologists I found Dr. William Mealer.
I must say that in my short time seeing him I do feel a certain degree better. I don't know if it's because life has been genuinely better lately, or if my whole outlook is changing. That's one of the big things we've been talking about in our sessions, your perceptions of everyday life. It all depends on how you take what happens to you. I've tended to look at the dark side of everything lately. While I'm not sure what initially brought this on, I can tell you that it hasn't been a pleasant time dealing with that. I've tried to live my life looking at the positives, I mean I've got nothing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. I've fallen off that path in the past 7ish months. We're working to get me back where I need to be, but like I've come to learn, this kind of stuff takes time. There isn't a magic button to push that makes it all better. Through a lot of talking and applying the lessons I'm being taught in therapy we hope to be able to deal with these negative feelings in a constructive manner, instead of the destructive way I've been dealing lately.
I'm currently working on setting out a treatment plan, but I think we're almost done there. From here on out it's learning how to deal and become a more self confident person. That's a major issue of mine, and one of the focal points of this therapy. Who knows, but for now I'm confident of what direction we're moving in. As a matter of fact I'm supposed to turn in some goals for therapy tomorrow. They're listed below, just in case anyone wants to get a glimpse inside my mind right now...

• Physical goals: lose another 40+ pounds to get below 200 pounds for the first time in 8 years, start playing soccer more often, start trail riding, continue dieting and attempting to eat better
• Emotional goals: learn to deal with the day to day stress in a healthy way, continue thinking positive thoughts and try to get more confident, try not to lose my cool when I’m flustered, try to be a better person than I am right now
• Intellectual goals: continue to read for pleasure, keep writing (blogging, journaling, etc), learn German or Spanish, try to keep my mind active and off of the negatives in life
• Social goals: continue hanging out with my good friends, make new friends whenever possible, branch out of my comfort zone more often, try and find a girlfriend, stay in touch with everyone that I care about

Not sure I would've posted those a year ago, but time changes everything. Anywho, I'll do my best to post more regularly. Hopefully everything continues to improve, it's just going to take some time and hard work. Let me know what you think.

Until next time,

Hunter